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You always hear ‘if one door closes, another door opens‘…. and that may be true. But what happens if an INFJ closes that door? Does another door open? Does a window open? Or does the whole damn house burn to the ground?….. The INFJ door slam is something that everyone should understand.
I’m hoping that if you’re here, you know a little bit about INFJs and the Meyers-Briggs Personality Type test. If not, head on over and take the 16 Personalities test to figure out your personality type.
If you’re an INFJ, make sure to let me know what you think about my interpretation of the INFJ door slam in the comments below.
An INFJ’s Heart
A short summary of an INFJ: we’re just weird, contradictory messes with bleeding hearts, complicated brains and emotions for dayyyyyyyys.
We love so hard that it hurts, we care so much that it hurts, we try so hard that it hurts.
We are often described as psychic, clairvoyant, old souls, fortune tellers…. but the real truth is that we care, so we pay attention.
We literally pay attention to everything. We watch your body language, tone of voice, choice of words.
We can usually guess what you’re going to say before you say it, how you’ll react before you know how you’ll react yourself.
People are drawn to us for our warmth, intelligence and capacity for love. However, because of this very same trait, we are prone to enter into toxic relationships.
We tend to find and befriend the ‘wounded bird’. We try with all of our might to nurse it back to health. While our intentions are good, we usually end up a little wounded ourselves…
This need to save people can leave us vulnerable. We’re open to toxic relationships where someone uses us, abuses us and become so toxic that we need an escape.
For an INFJ, that escape is usually a door slam.
What Is An INFJ Door Slam?
Basically, it is when an INFJ has had enough.
A door slam is when they have to close the door on a relationship with someone. The INFJ door slam is not to punish the other part involved- it’s an act of self preservation.
It’s a way of protecting our soft, gooey insides from being hurt any more than it has been. It’s a way of saving what pieces we have left so we can go glue them back together and lick our wounds.
The ‘severity‘ of the door slam is typically mirrored by the other person’s actions.
So so so so many things can push an INFJ to door slam someone. Physical abuse, mental abuse, one-sided friendships, loose morals…. toxic people and emotional parasites….
A door slam can be an all together death sentence for a relationship or it can means that there’s a drastic change in the relationship dynamics.
I’ve door slammed someone that is now basically dead to me. I can walk past them in the grocery and not even acknowledge their existence. This person truly hurt me to my core and is so deeply toxic I can’t be around- even for a second.
A lot of the time, the person on the other side of this door slam will think they’ve ‘won‘. They think that they said something that was so clever that it ‘shut us down’. It’s not that we are weak and can’t respond… we have just simply decided that it is not worth our time to respond to you. Period.
There are also people who I’ve door slammed in a more ‘civil’ way. I’ll say ‘Hi’, talk about the weather, ask about your mom’n’them… but that’s about as far as our relationship goes.
It all just depends on why I decided I should close the door….and what was the final straw.
You Can Hurt Me Till You Can’t…
INFJs are idyllic to a fault. We want to think the best of the world, our friends and family.
When we know you, we love you. When we love you, we love all of you. That means your wins and your losses, your bravery and your fears, your fortunes and misfortunes.
We love all of you, even if you make mistakes and occasionally hurt us.
An INFJ is the first person to give someone the benefit of doubt.
To an outsider, it will seem like an INFJ lets others get away with murder. We give chance after chance after chance and it may seem like we have no limits.
We do have a limit. It’s just far past most people’s limits.
I like to compare it to playing with fire.
Most people get burnt once or twice and say ‘damn, that’s hot. I’m not messing with that fire again!‘
However, to an INFJ, it’s not about how hot the fire is: it’s about the importance of what we’re trying to pull from the fire.
If you’re a genuine person with good intentions that just screws up occasionally, an INFJ is your best friend. They’ll see the good in you and reach into that fire time and time again. They’ll scorch themselves if they continue to see good in you.
INFJs rarely door slam good people with pure intentions… unless you are constantly needing to be bailed out and you don’t seem to be trying to help yourself at all.
We door slam people who continue to burn us after we’ve saved them from the fire. They jump back in the fire just to ask for a hand to get back out. They test how raw your burns can get and how often you’re willing to reach for them.
We’ll continue to reach in that fire, forgive, heal and do it again…. until we just can’t.
If you can relate to that, you should read my post about toxic people.
INFJs are the most logical and emotional people you’ll ever meet. We just want to see resolution to all emotions and all situations.
Our need for resolution is why you may get 10,000,000 chances before the door slam, or you may get 12…. it’s also why you get the door slam itself.
We wholeheartedly believe that people are generally good. We know that everyone could be the very best version of themselves if they just freaking tried.
So, as advocates we try to help them…. we try to boost them up and shine a light on all that they can be.
We try and we try. We rationalize, we empathize, we create excuses for them.
We try to make everything better. We try to fix everything. We try to make them aware of their actions and how it makes us feel.
Can you feel the way you feel and still allow me to feel the way I feel? Can we understand and respect each others’ boundaries? Can we agree to disagree?
We want to find resolution because we cannot survive in perpetual chaos. Our minds are chaotic enough. The world is chaotic enough.
We require the relationships in our life need to be somewhat emotionally stable for us to be happy. We have to find a way to get along, co-exist and share life experiences with friends and family.
When a relationship is continually chaotic and toxic with zero chance of resolve, we start looking towards the door.
Walking Towards The Door….
I always like to say: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…. you can’t… I’m an INFJ.”
While INFJs are built on morality, the lies and downright BS aren’t really what bugs us…. it’s the insult to our intelligence.
We can see right through the manipulation, pity parties and self righteous ways.
When we start to resent you for insulting our intelligence, we start our stroll towards the door.
Even if we are feeling deep-seated resentment towards you, we will continue to reach into the fire for you. We will try to save you from yourself, your situation or others.
At this point, you may feel us starting to pull away a bit. It’s not that we aren’t still trying to have a relationship with you… it’s that our bullshit meter is just about tapped out….
The Final Straw
The final straw can be one conversation, a sentence, a word…. or even a look.
The last straw can be some sort of gesture that shows malice or ill-intent…. or just proof that you’ll never change.
Most of the time, it’s just the same-old-same-old.
If your INFJ is tired of your deceit, the last straw could be one small white lie. If your INFJ is about to door slam you for being a ‘mooch’, it could be asking for one more ‘favor’. If you’re consistently rude or condescending, it can be one final snarky comment.
At this point, the INFJ has already mourned the death of your friendship. The last straw is just really confirming that we are correct for slamming the door.
It’s like the last bit of evidence that we needed to confirm that the relationship itself was somewhat of an illusion…. or at the very least, it isn’t what we thought it was.
The Slam Itself
Just like everything else in an INFJ’s life, the INFJ door slam is rather peaceful and pacifistic. It should be called ‘quietly closing the door with the handle down so it doesn’t make that clicking noise and disturb anyone‘.
The INFJ door slam is not angry, abusive or loud. Some people may not even realize that it has happened.
If you think about a circle of hippies singing kumbaya, that is the epitome of an INFJ…. 99.9% of the time.
The other 0.01% of the time, our brains are basically on ‘hell mode’.
Non-INFJs would be pretty freaked out to be inside the mind of an INFJ. To know how truly savage and relentless we could be.
We watch, we learn, we observe. We know your biggest insecurities and basically the quickest way to make you feel like t-total shit about yourself.
We probably know more about you than you know about yourself.
However, you’ll rarely see an INFJ tear someone down to the bone. We hate confrontation. We hate loud arguments and we hate any kind of back-and-forth bashing. It is truly cringe-worthy to us.
I am so emotional that I literally hate having to tell a neighbor I’m out of sugar because I feel guilty that they’ll have to run to the store….
Being that emotional, do you think I want to open pandora’s box and unleash all the truths about your nasty personality?
No matter how nasty, rude, or harmful you were to an INFJ, they don’t want you to feel bad about yourself.
Aside from avoiding confrontation, it’s just not worth it to an INFJ to jump down someone’s throat.
While we’re very emotional and want everything to be okay, we’re not willing to beat a dead horse.
If our 30 billion gentle attempts to save our friendship didn’t work, would it help if we got into a screaming match?
No. Probably not. Actually, definitely not.
I noticed that most of my door slams are on toxic people. Toxic people are incapable of seeing themselves in any light other than the Godly light they feel like they deserve.
Screaming at a toxic person about their shitty attitude is a waste of breath.
If you point out that they’re a bad friend who treats people poorly, they’ll say they’re a great person and you’re just a cynical jerk. If you say they use you, they’ll play victim and say you’re selfish…
Call it evolution. Maybe we are adapting to the ways we deal with toxic people. Call it giving up. Call it frustration…. whatever.
My dad always said ‘if you play with shit, you’ll get it on you‘.
Thats why INFJs don’t get mad. We don’t get even. We just simply disappear.
The Cold Hard Truth About The INFJ Door Slam
In almost all cases, the INFJ door slam is permanent. Rather than locking the door with the possibility of opening it back up one day, we add a padlock and hang a pretty picture over it.
It will probably seem almost cold and robotic, but like I said… we already mourned the death of this relationship.
This might be why the person being cut off usually blames the INFJ.
“She just fell off the face of the Earth.”….. “I said one little thing and she’s mad.”….. “Talk about drama queen- I saw her in the market and she didn’t even wave.”
Just know this: if an INFJ cut you off, you were the one who handed them the scissors.
While we are emotional beings, we don’t take stuff like this lightly. We evaluate every conversation in our heads thousands of times while you’ve probably already forgotten what was said.
Like I said before, it wasn’t one thing. It wasn’t one circumstance, one situation, one event. It was possibly dozens, hundreds, thousands….
What You Should Know If You’ve Been Door Slammed
If you’ve been door slammed, I’m sorry that you lost an INFJ friend, but chances are: you deserved it.
I hope that reading this will give you a little insight into their thought process and let you understand why they did what they did.
As an INFJ who has door slammed someone, just know that we don’t harbor any ill-will towards you or hope that your life sucks without us.
A small part of us will continue to love you….. from afar. At some point, you were an important part of our lives, so we will always hope the best for you and your life.
But…. for one reason or another, we weren’t a good fit in each others’ lives.
I also suggest that you don’t come after us with a fit of anger if you were door slammed.
Like I said before, while we don’t like to use your weaknesses against you, it doesn’t mean that you should poke the bear.
It’s not worth the drama because we don’t hate you. We nothing you.
Door Slam vs Drifting Apart
Some of my friends may read this and wonder: “Oh shit, did she door slam me? What did I do wrong?“
Not every person that an INFJ has lost touch with has been door slammed.
We’re not very social beings. So the day-to-day contact you may have with some of your other friends is just unrealistic to expect from an INFJ.
We’re not the kind to text you 30 times a day talking about the newest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians or what we had for lunch. If an INFJ keeps in touch with you like that, you are their person. Do not let them go!
However, I just hope and pray that all of my friends will understand that I’m not like that. I rarely text first, I don’t like going out for group outings or lunch dates.
So if I turn down an invite (or two… or five…) or don’t keep in touch very well, it’s not that I don’t love you and still consider you a friend.
We don’t just door slam people for the hell of it. It’s an emotionally devastating thing for an INFJ to decide to door slam someone, so we don’t make that decision lightly.
If you’re ever wondering if your INFJ friend door slammed you, try talking about the weather. If they quickly change the subject to another, more meaningful subject…. you’re fine. We didn’t door slam you, we’re just social messes.